The Rules of The Bar

Barkeeps: clip and save this handy list to post somewhere in your establishment. Help keep the rabble under control.

BAR CUSTOMERS, NO:

not have the money ready. In fact, it is called Rule # 1: Have all together. We are waiting for you, and everyone is waiting for us. Therefore, for the scientist as the principle set Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting for you. Not only after this rule served faster at a bar, a good rule of thumb is to take in life and is especially useful at border crossings in Central America scenarios.

Whistle. A whistle is like telling a waiter “Please, shoot me now.” It is a special signal secret. Onda

money. Ah, you have a dollar, I’ll be more! Hopefully I will not break my ankle in a feverish race to get your Coors Lite. But at least you’re not breaking the following rule. Yell

the bartender’s first name. There’s something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing his name called out, turning around, and then see a complete stranger. That is one of the reasons strippers use stage names ever. Waiter to do too much, mine is Pixie.

me to be strong or put a large amount of liquor in it. Oh, you’re one of the few who, like the heavy drinkers drink! In saying this, you’re weak if I drink, it is insulting. You are also assuming that I am going to a hardening of this for my new best friend, you. Finally, I, being the waiter, I will decide how to drink, thank you very much. Give the

increasing drinking. To request a Bud, I get it. Back and now want a Margarita, OK, no problem. I come back, and now just want to remember that a shot of tequila, too. You could really have told us all at once. See Rule # 1. Pull

redirection. Usually, after seeing the money or the whistle-wave, this is when the gentlemen in turn passes the lady behind him. It is likely that she is not ready, and his weak attempt at chivalry costing just your turn. See you in thirty minutes. Try

confusion, loss of image. This is often accompanied by the question “What kind of beer do you have?” While looking at all the beers that have lined the back wall. You knew you were in a bar and not Denny’s, where a menu, right? And not only here, right? See Rule # 1. Order too many shooters

high maintenance. Example: “Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, red snapper, two Long Island Ice Teas, a buttery nipple and a drop of lemon.” Usually followed by a minor point. People, these are good shooters for all of them, but there are several steps involved in each. This translates into a time sink. You can get this time, but is likely to wait at the last, the next time you see her face, especially with a packed bar. Here’s a hint as to whether or not you are high maintenance, if the two waiters who are working and see you, and flip a coin and the loser is about to take your order, very good chance you’re a high maintenance orderer.

Suppose that we know is in the band. We know, you’re going to be really famous, but there is not enough, however, tiger. Just tell us you’re in the band and the band is in. And by the way, if you’re in a band and get free or reduced-price drink as part of the operation, feel free to tip, as most are waiters also in bands! It’s not like we do not know how it work. Oh, and our waiter bands smoke his band.

Suppose you know that period. Unless you are here every day with honesty, not remember. You are one of the thousand faces for us, and when an item in an empty glass or bottle of beer that always faces away from us, his attempt backfires a shortcut, so just tell us what you want .

apologize for not deposit. Recognizing that it is not the point is not the same as no deposit. Oh, and do not say “I will do next time.” We know all about how you work.

assume all drinks are free. Are free at McDonald’s? Åre free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. this myth. Put

and nickels in the tip jar. We do not want in our pockets more than it does. We do not have anything smaller than quarters. After all, have you ever ordered a drink that costs $ 3.17?

Be “The Microbrew Aficionado”. Normally this is a pseudo-hippie who can not tip a quarter but can not carry the same common to drink beer and that has shown some new berry-harvest wheat beer he had heard about at Burning Man “Do you have the new Vernal Equinox Special-Welcome-Fest?” “Hello?” Here’s Your Bud; go.

be “Daddy Warbucks” Dressed in a day trader wear classic, this strong, bustling type smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. In general, do not pretend to be more successful than you are.

Finally, in any case, if you ever complain to a waiter when asked to see his ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when a false or expired identification, not argue, we have seen and heard a million times before, and you absolutely nothing. If “no one” or “forgot” to be sure you do not belong out in the city first. That is the law that we must respect, clear and straightforward. Bring your ID card. Remember Rule # 1, for a minute.